Please Be Mindful of What You Say To My Kids

I get a lot of questions and comments as a twin mom. I'm used to it and usually it doesn't bother me. But lately we're getting this one question that I had been humoring but is really starting to get to me:

"Which one is the troublemaker (or boldie, handful, evil twin, easy one, enter some other insulting but "cute" descriptive term)?"

or

"Double Trouble! You've got your hands full, Mom!"

Just last week at the grocery store a woman looked at my girls for all of 3 seconds and stated very matter-of-factly, "Oooh, I can tell you're the troublemaker," to Jules. I asked her why she thought that and she said, "She's got that smile, the other one just looks more cautious."

She was right, Jules was smiling and Viv was furrowing her brow at her like she tends to do. It seemed innocent but this exchange really made me stop and think about what happens when people make assumptions about kids, often based solely on the looks on their faces.

At the very least I wonder since when did a smile equate troublemaking behavior? Just because she's a little more outgoing? Isn't that a desirable trait? But I'm really trying to figure out why it's ok to say that to her face? Even if that smile does mean she's a little more brazen, does it warrant being called a troublemaker? That's not the association I want my daughter having with smiling, would you?

Are we not at the point yet where we realize our words have meaning, even for the youngest of people? People still don't understand that what we say impacts how they feel, about themselves and the world around them? And, more importantly, would she have said anything at all if her sister wasn't sitting behind her, not smiling?

I've noticed that we don't tend to do this with typical siblings - make guesses about what type of people they are, at least not in comparison to their sister. But it seems like as soon as you mention the word twins everything becomes black or white. We try to find their differences and define them, to figure out who they really are. Just because they were born at the same time.

Just being a twin does not mean one is inherently good or bad. Yes, they came from one egg that split but not in such a literal sense that they each inherited only one kind of particular personality traits. That's just crazy. And yet, when you ask my toddlers "Which one likes to give Mommy the hard time?" you are insinuating that one of them was born to be bad.

We need to remember, not just for twins but for all children: who they are at any given moment does not define them and certainly doesn't give us any logical reason to label one as "trouble" or as "the good one".

The last thing I need is one of my kids thinking she has an excuse to be a rebel just because she was born that way - while her sister got all the "good" parts.

Trust me, neither one gives me an easy time all the time. I'm fairly certain that's normal, yes?

Also, for the love of all things, please do not call them double trouble. Yes, there are two of them. Yes, kids can be hard at times - ALL kids are hard. But they are not double trouble. I can't figure out why people say it - so many do - but I think they just think it's cute. It's not. At least not to me.

Would you ever stroll past a family with just one child and randomly proclaim, "She looks like trouble!"? No, right? So, why is it different for my kids? Oh right, because they happened to be born together.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B: Each exercising their right to be 1 year old. Not double trouble. Just 1 year old sisters.

I remember people categorizing me as a child and it drove me nuts. Even though a lot of the time people were making accurate assessments it stung to hear that the adults I cared about thought I was a worry-wort, dramatic, a smart-ass or a know-it-all. I didn't choose to be these things, it was partly my temperament and partly just me trying to figure out how the world worked.

Instead of bucking those descriptions I chose to embrace them - it's what everyone thought I was anyway, so why not? I made it a point to be as obnoxious and theatrical as I could, to garner attention with my outbursts and seemingly uncontrollable emotions. By the time I was 18 I had made up my own mental illness and was on my way to getting myself committed when I realized I didn't want to play this game anymore. I made a choice to break the trend and change the way people thought of me. I reinvented myself in college, lost a lot of my old friends as a result and ultimately became a happier and healthier person. But I really wish I didn't have to go through all that to get there.

Would it have been different if I never tried to fit in the boxes people put me in?

At 15 months old I have no idea who my children are and even if I did I certainly wouldn't want to slap a label on for them to carry through their lives.

Yes, it can be fun to draw comparisons and psychoanalyze them, especially because they are identical twins (trust me my inner psych major is always itching to experiment with them). But the fact is that aside from our most basic personality traits, those that make up our temperament (think: would you rather be alone or in a crowd, do you prefer reading or running, are you anxious or easy-going?) we are meant to be fluid - changing and adapting as we grow. At the very least none of us are still the same type of person we were at 15 months old.

We need to realize that what we say matters. What seems innocent can cause harm. Those labels can and do stick and they can hinder growth, especially when there is a negative connotation attached. Like the word trouble. That's not something I want for my girls. My fear is that at some point they will internalize the idea that one is good and one is bad, or worse that they are both bad just because there's two of them. And who knows what will happen next.

So, please, when you see a set of twins out and about, don't ask which one is the troublemaker. Don't ask which one is the favorite. Don't assume to know anything about who they are based on the few seconds you've watched them or the looks on their faces. You wouldn't compare and label a set of adult siblings you just met so why treat my toddlers any differently?  Imagine how you'd feel if someone labeled you as "the bad one" just because you were having a moment. Or if you were the "good one" because your sister was scowling. It's not fair and it's not ok.

Instead, say something like, "Are you having fun shopping with your Mom?" "I like your pink shirt." or "I see you have a sister, I bet you have a lot of fun together!"

Again, I know it's hard - they're identical twins and that changes the way people think of them. I can't change that (but I'm going to try). Regardless of what you see in those few minutes you talk with us, it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Your words, on the other hand, do mean something, so please choose them wisely.

Xo,
Maigen

How We Do Bath Time With Twins (without a bath tub!)

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links.

We all know now that my own personal hygiene took a back seat to the babies but I had no idea how much I would come to hate THEIR bath time. It was once the bane of my existence.

They love baths so me hating it broke my heart. We were so blessed to have two babies who absolutely love water and never so much as whined in the bath, from day one.

But over time it became a nightmare. All because of one thing. Actually, the lack of one thing.

An actual tub.

How the heck do you bathe two babies when you don't have a freaking bath tub?

A little back story: Three years ago we lived in a vast and spacious three bedroom apartment with a huge kitchen, double sink and all. The bathroom was small but had a massive 80 year old claw foot tub. We should have loved it but we didn't. The apartment was nice, but it was old, dusty and drafty. The one thing we really hated was that damned tub. I know, le gasp! Claw foot tubs are awesome and everyone wants one, right? We couldn't stand it. The shower curtains didn't fit right no matter what we did, water sprayed everywhere and it created a wind vortex that made the curtain swallow you. Just picture being touched by a shower curtain constantly while trying to get clean. Ick. After six months we were done and when we found our current "cozy" two bedroom with a big backyard and no bathtub we were over the moon.

Just about a year later we got pregnant with twins. Oops. Looking back I realize our last place would have been perfect for our new family of four - including that massive bath tub that I hated so much. Alas, here we are and here we will stay until we buy a house so we've had to be a little innovative when it comes to cleaning the babies.

When they were small we used a great baby tub and bathed them one at a time. The Fisher Price 4-in-1 Sling 'n Seat Tub fit great in our large kitchen sink. The newborn sling worked well for the first couple months. I would put one baby in a bouncy seat on the floor next to me and bathe the other. We dried off and dressed right on the kitchen table then switched them. The whole process took about an hour and by month four I was itching to bathe them together.

Teeny Tiny Jules!

As they got bigger and moved on from the sling I wasn't as happy with the tub. They kept slipping down and rolling over and baths became downright scary. We only bathed them once a week because it was so stressful trying to get it done.


 But then the best thing happened - they started sitting up on their own. After making sure they had it down well enough to avoid head injuries I ditched the baby tub and went old school with the kitchen sink. My sweet grandmother gave us this old Flipper toy to cover the faucet and we laid a towel down on the bottom to keep them comfortable. This worked for a glorious 3 months until they started pulling up and standing. All of a sudden the sink was too short and we were risking them falling out with each bath. Back to square one.

Happy and Easy Bath!

I asked for tips in a group of twin moms and one Mom suggested using a deep and wide storage tote in the shower. A make-shift bath tub! Brilliant! I happened to have a large one just sitting in my room waiting to be filled with stuff. That night I threw it in the shower, filled it with water and popped them in after dinner.

It was awful.

For the first time ever they screamed and cried and tried to escape the whole bath time. Every time they tried to stand up they would slip and fall under the water which led to more hysterics. I won't even talk about what happened when I turned the shower on to rinse them. I pretty much resolved that we would just not bathe them ever again until we moved. If that meant we never left the house then so be it. I would not torture my babies because society thinks they need to be clean. Until we figured something else out it was baths in the baby pool out back!

How we took baths all summer!

Until the epically sticky poo-splosion of August 2015 (sorry for that visual). I had no choice. And yet I knew I couldn't put them through that again.

So I tried one more thing. Instead of putting the tote in the dark and echo-filled shower, I put it in the middle of the bathroom and turned the heat on - yes, in August. Oh the things we do for our babies. I also ran the shower for a bit to warm up the room quickly. I had picked up a bath mat for the bottom of the tote to fix the slipperiness. I filled the tote with warm water and added their favorite toys and talked them through the whole thing while we got ready. I braced myself for the screams and slowly put them in.

It was wonderful.

They laughed and splashed and played and we had our first non-nerve-wracking bath in months.

Success. No tears, no screams, happiness!

Until I tried to wash them.  Up until then I had just used my hands and soap. But that was not an option with this glue-like poo (thank you solid foods). So I soaped up one of our washcloths and tried to wipe them off. I should have known better from the way they act like you're murdering them when you try to clean their faces after a meal but I didn't realize they would hate it so much. Ugh. I tried to talk them through it but in the end just pushed through what ended up being another miserable bath. As if that wasn't bad enough I watched in horror as Jules' skin flared up right before my eyes after washing it. It had taken us months to find a soap that didn't anger her skin and now I realized that even the gentlest soap would still hurt with the harshness of washcloths. I tried multiple cloths and every one was just too rough for her sensitive skin.

I was at my wit's end.

Then I got the chance to review these incredible bamboo washcloths from The Motherhood Collection. You guys, they're like butter. They are the softest, most luxurious washcloths I've ever felt. If you buy any washcloths for your baby, make sure it's these. Not only are they perfect for Jules' skin but cleaning is a breeze - they don't even act like they feel it! Instead of pulling away and crying they just let me do it, even with their faces after meals. I wish I had found them months ago!

My mother is paranoid and only let them have like 3 inches of water. They didn't care!

I got a glimpse of how easy bath time could be when we gave them one at my mom's. It almost made me cry with how easy and stress-free it was, how happy they were to have space to crawl around and play. If we could do that every other night we would but for now, at 15 months in, I have finally found the winning combination for the perfect bath time without a tub:

1. A storage tote from Wal-Mart placed in the middle of the warm bathroom. Use a removable shower head to fill it. We place towels under and around the tote to soak up water and to help move it over to the shower to empty it.
2. A soft suction cup bath mat from Wal-Mart. I just bought a standard size one and it fits pretty well with the sides folded against the side of the tote.
3. The cleanest, most hypo-allergenic soap we can find. For us it's Exederm.
4. These amazing bamboo cloths from The Motherhood Collection

I hope no one else has to go through all this drama just for clean kids, but if there's anyone out there struggling like us may you find some relief in what worked for us!

Xo,
Maigen

Happy Halloween!

It is impossible to get "great" family pictures these days  but we got 3/4 of the way!

What a great Halloween we had this year! We are loving having Daddy home all weekend and it was a great treat to have Halloween be on a Saturday so we could spend the whole day together.

We started the day with spooky ghost pancakes for breakfast. I used a squeeze bottle to make ghost shapes and added blueberries or chocolate chips for eyes and a mouth. We finished painting our pumpkins and put them outside for trick or treaters to enjoy. The girls painted theirs earlier in the week using their fingers and brushes over tape resist J and V. I wish I could keep them forever!

Then we spent the day watching scary movies and listening to Halloween music while playing games and dressing up in silly outfits. We took our mandatory holiday glamour shots for instagram with our lion hoodies on. We even got to watch the city Halloween parade go right by our house - the girls LOVED that.

The best part about this year though - I actually made costumes for the girls - with some big help from my Mom. She made all of our costumes when we were kids and I knew she'd love to help make some for her granddaughters.

We originally planned on the girls being companions to my niece's Pocahontas costume as Flit and Meeko. But then my niece changed her mind and wanted to be a princess instead. The weeks leading up to Halloween were so busy that I didn't even come up with them until the week before. I saw an adorable lion costume on Pinterest and since they're Leos I had to do it. I also found a few great DIY posts from The Happy Housewife and Try It Mom and borrowed some ideas and tips. I sent it over to my mom, she helped me buy the supplies and got it started.

We picked up two fleece hoodie and pant sets that were meant to be monkeys. My mom bought two styles - one with ears and one without. We ended up picking the one without ears and adding our own. My mom sewed tan fabric over the monkey face and the feet. She also added some shoelaces into the hood to tie it. I cut out the manes and we sewed them onto the hoods and a then added a tail. We painted their noses black and voila, two little lions!

Who's who? I feel like they become really identical when their heads are covered. But if you know our trick you'll know.

I absolutely love the way they came out and I'm pretty proud of myself for finishing one completely on my own. I have only sewn a handful of times in my life so it was quite the accomplishment for me. It was also really frustrating and annoying at times. I had to start over three times due to stupid mistakes I kept making but I didn't give up and it came out great in the end!

We go Trick or Treating every year at my Dad's apartment complex. It's great because the management hands out signs for people to put on their doors letting trick or treaters know where to go and where to avoid, so no wasting time! We brought the wagon and the girls loved seeing everyone and making people smile. And of course getting candy. I'm not sure it will last until they can actually eat it so I'm doing my part by making sure none of it goes to waste!

The Renaissance Princess and her Little Beau-Leo Lions

Going .2 mph 'cuz they won't sit down!

I'm already thinking about next year and tossing around some coordinating costumes instead of matching. They'll be walking so I think it will be even more fun for all of us. So far my favorite ideas are Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe, peanut butter and jelly (with us being the bread maybe?) or The Wicked Witch and Glinda The Good Witch. My sister and I wanted to have the 3 girls be the Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus and my nephew be Binx the black cat but Jillian quickly shot that down because the witches are "so mean!" I have a whole year to decide but I definitely won't be waiting until the last minute again!

We hope everyone had a great Halloween!

Xo,
Maigen

Because I have nothing better to write about here's some pics of the girls!

I have the worst case of writer's block.

I have six "really ok" blogs ready to be tweaked and published but I hate all of them every time I read them. I don't know why. They're fine but every time I go back and get ready to post them I can't imagine hitting publish. They're just not that great. Or they're too long. Or a disorganized mess of thoughts with no point. I just don't like them.

It's like when you start to hate the sound of your own voice, you know?

Life has been busy - happily and wonderfully busy, but for the first time in my life I'm not able to stay up all night writing and wake up at 6am well rested. So we go to bed at like 10:30 now. And still wake up tired. We're old. And there's officially not enough hours in the day.

At least we're getting lots of snuggles lately from these two little love bugs.

I am elbow deep in family history stuff right now and I really want to focus on that for a bit. There is so much awesomeness that needs to be documented and digitized and I can't just let it sit in piles taking up space anymore. My mom gave me some amazing albums of my great grandmother's family. Then my Dad gave me an incredible family history written by my grandmother plus some really important original documents that I've been searching for for years. All of that plus the family history letter and file I received last summer and my desire to participate in a genealogy do-over has me totally overwhelmed.

It's hard and boring but so necessary. I have a goal to make something of it all for my grandmother that I've put off for years and I'm determined to accomplish it this year. 

Also, this is my favorite time of year to spend looking for dead people graves of relatives. Because fall + cemeteries = the best way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

CJ got a great new job. He's happy. It's hard work but he loves the challenge and doesn't miss retail one bit. And the best part is that he's home on Saturdays for the first time since we have been together, aside from when we were both unemployed. Yay for family time! Last weekend we went to the pumpkin patch at Liberty Ridge Farm with Papa T, Aunt Kate, Uncle Justin and Jillian. It was awesome.

Our little red wagon from Grandpa Charlie was fantastic to have! It fit 3 kids and 3 pumpkins at one point with room to spare. What a great gift!

We've been doing some super fun stuff at home too. I love having a big kid around to do activities with and then modifying them for the girls. We're exploring painting, chalk and markers, getting into new textures like play dough and shaving cream and the fall sensory bins have been a big hit all around.

We are also taking in all the fall sights during our outside play. The girls are just as into the colors (and the squirrels!) as we are. 

One of our favorite adventures was visiting Queen Mab's Enchanted City in Troy a few weeks ago. A street festival of all things steampunk and magical there was so much for them to look at and enjoy. We can't wait to go back next year when the girls can dress as fairies and run around!

Jules is walking almost all the time now. Thank god she hasn't mastered it yet so she's much slower for the time being. Viv is getting there too but she can crawl so fast I don't know if she'll ever pick walking! They mastered going up and down stairs in one try at my mom's last week so good to know they can do that now too! They also had their first real bath in a real bathtub. I know, I know, at 14 months old, really?? I have a post in the works on how we bathe two babies with no bathtub. Maybe it'll get published someday.

They're using forks and spoons much of the time. Meals are still a total mess but now we have the added benefit of hoping they don't poke their own eyes out. Funny story: they stopped eating about 2 weeks ago. Flat out refused to eat anything other than grapes, pasta with sauce, cheese and crackers. Whatever, that's pretty much my diet too. I kept offering vegs but they just picked them over. One night I handed them a fork with a piece of broccoli on it. They ate it all, with the fork. And have ever since, as long as I give them a fork. They even spoon feed themselves soup, yogurt and applesauce. Uh, weren't they just babies?!

They're growing up so fast but are finally getting to that point when they're "so much fun" like all the veteran twin moms tell me. And it really is SO fun.

Someday I'll write something worthwhile again but until then photo heavy updates it is - they are my most popular posts anyway!

Xo,

Maigen

Finally Some Relief In Sight!

Oops I did it again. I keep disappearing. Life as a work-at-home mom rather than just hanging out with my babies watching soaps all day (not a cliche, I may or may not have done just that for the last year) has been quite the adjustment. I'm exhausted by 10:30 most nights and all I want to do is chill after bedtime. This does not make for very good writing practices but I assume my body will catch up at some point. Until then here's an update on something that has driven me nuts for a long time. Plus some cute pics of my beebs from the last week.

The bane of my existence for 12 months. The spot, not the cute baby.

When Jules was about six weeks old she developed a small, bright red spot on her right cheek that had me totally freaked out. I immediately called her Pediatrician and scheduled another appointment (we'd already been there 3 times for check ups and once for me to get permission to stop supplementing). We went over what I'd been eating as she was bottle feeding my pumped milk, any new soaps, detergents, lotions we'd been using and any other changes that had been made. The doctor chalked it up to eczema, gave me some eucerin and aquaphor and sent me on my way.

Cuties blowing raspberries on the climber

Initially the creams cleared up the spot but it still came and went with no rhyme or reason and would flare up randomly. I've asked about it at every check up and am always told the same thing. At about six months old it cleared up from the right side and two weeks later was back in full force on the left side of her face.

I started to do some research and found a number of things to try on my own:

I started using a cortizone cream mixed with aquaphor and a+d ointment. It worked until it didn't anymore. Just like everything else. No matter, the pediatrician warned me not to use cortizone because it thins the skin. Awesome. It's still the only thing that does work so I use it sparingly and just keep the spot as moist as I can with a+d and aquaphor in between.

I also introduced a probiotic into her diet with her daily yogurt and that actually worked really well at first. I should have started this sooner since she was on an anti-biotic (prophylactic, since UTIs can be a complication of hydronephrosis) since she was 12 days old but I was told by nurses in both the NICU and at the Ped that it wasn't necessary at her age and to let the anti-biotic do its' job (!?!?)

Almost immediately after eating it for the first time her face cleared up. There was still a shadow and a pinhead size dot but I was amazed at how much better it looked.  But then it was back again just a few days later. Some days the pro-biotic seems to work better than others but since that first batch it has yet to clear it up almost completely.

"Is that you or is that me?"

Then I stumbled upon the idea that it could be food allergy related. I asked the doctor if we should have her tested for allergies and they shrugged me off, telling me it wasn't worth the time or pain for her, that we would know by now if she was allergic to something other than eggs (which she reacted to at 6 months but is a very common childhood allergy). I joined a group on facebook for children with food allergies and sensitivities and I met someone whose child had the exact same spot that was caused by food allergies. Her doctors kept shrugging her off like mine until he developed a horrible infection. That was it for me, I called the allergist the next day.



We had her testing done Tuesday and guess what? It's not food allergy related.

It is a freaking infection. In her face. And considering it has looked this bad since March it might have been there since then. Eating food didn't hurt it per se but it didn't help it either with the constant irritation over the spot. Just bad luck I guess? Nope.

The way the doctor explained it was that it likely started out as eczema from which she developed a small crack in her skin. At some point this was exposed to something nasty, most likely staph, which got underneath her skin. All the creams in the world could help clear up the rash itself but none of them were targeting the cause of the problem.

His treatment? A week or so of an antibiotic cream 3 times a day along with a stronger cortizone cream to soothe the rash and a preventive slathering of aquaphor on her cheeks before eating or whenever it looks dry. He said it will likely disappear completely within a week.

Viv says Hooooooraaaayyyy for Sissy!

Halle-freaking-lujiah.

One thing I've noticed is that I always said the spot never really bothered her - except when I tried to put her cream on it. She'd scream and thrash and push it away. After 2 applications of the antibiotic cream she has completely stopped doing that. I put the aquaphor on before she eats and she lets me with no problem. I put the cortizone on and she actually leans into it, letting me rub it in. It probably hurt like hell and irritated it further because she had a damn infection and I didn't know it. I just wanted desperately to heal it I forced her to sit through it. Now that it's healing I'm not hurting her anymore and she doesn't mind. Kills me.

I am happy to finally have some answers but I am so frustrated that it took so long and at the idea that something could have been done months ago to help her.

I'm upset that I had to go to the extreme of having her poked 9 times in the back and further grow her detest for doctor's offices. 

I'm pissed as hell at the idea that this was missed by the professionals, who did not listen to me when I explained that it was not responding to their treatments, that it just kept getting worse, the ones who just kept pushing the creams and who warned me not to use cortizone or neosporin (the ONLY things that worked) because it would thin and further irritate her skin.

Cracker Thieves!

Why wasn't this ever even brought up? Why didn't I know better and ask for a second opinion from the get go? I mean the girl has been in and out of multiple hospitals, emergency rooms and doctors offices since birth. The idea that she could have picked up an infection anywhere isn't so far-fetched. And really, if it was truly eczema and I was taking every measure to prevent exposure to irritants (including buying all the mega expensive "free" and "natural" soaps, lotions and detergents, experimenting with her diet and offering g-free and dairy-free foods, etc.) wouldn't it have cleared up at some point?

Out, out damned spot!

I'll get over it. And I'm so happy to finally have an answer. I just wish it didn't have to take almost 14 months to get one.

It already looks a bazillion times better. She has completely stopped rubbing it, is sleeping better and I can tell she feels better. Finally!

If there is one thing I've learned it's that you need to trust your gut when it comes to your kids. I knew 8 months ago that something more serious was going on and I didn't say anything for fear of looking like a crazy, overbearing Mom who got her medical degree from Google. But I was right and I wish I had advocated for my child sooner. Lesson learned!

Xo,
Maigen