May 6, 2015

On Having Just One More

Summer is here! Not really for at least another 7 weeks but here in Upstate NY we like to skip the Spring apparently and it's been in the 80s. We're so excited to get out and explore and be social again and the girls are at a great age for it. However with all this fun comes one drawback for a new mom of twins like myself - the questions, comments and interrogation you get out in public and at family gatherings. I wrote before how it usually doesn't bother me (still doesn't!) but there is one question that is killing me and I'm already so tired of talking about:

"So when are you going to have another one?"

Over. It.

I know lots of twin moms who already had kids or who want more but, sorry to say, we are not one of those families (alright, I'll add a yet). I know people's reactions are innocent. I know they probably just assumed that we want more and when I tell them our answer they're a little surprised. But it doesn't just stop there. Usually my answer is an easy going "We're not planning to." or "We're done!"  But everyone has to press it! No one just says "Oh, ok!" They say, "No way! You can't be!" And when I ask "Why can't I?" they give me a myriad of crazy reasons.

It's happened so often lately I now have my responses ready to go. Four times at a family party last weekend and once at dinner with more family. Usually I just smile and repeat, "We're good." But here's what really I want to say:

You aren't even going to try and just have one next time?

First of all, are you insinuating that I can control how many children my body produces at one time? Cause I can't. Even if I did want another one I can't "try" to make just one. Because, you know, science. My eggs like to split, sue me. Second, no, we are not planning to try and have another and most definitely not more than one, because, right now, we don't want even just one more.

You need to try for a boy! Or: CJ needs a son!

Nope, we don't. I have two kids who will already cost a bundle to feed and clothe and I'm supposed to add a growing boy on top of that just because? Really? My parents have two girls and we all did just fine. A boy will not magically make everything better for anyone, as, unfortunately, we are not royalty and do not require an heir. Also, CJ loves the girls so incredibly much that they (plus me) alone fulfill his heart more than enough - he does not need a son and the idea that he won't be complete without one is insulting to our daughters.

They need another sibling!

They do? Huh. That's weird. Because I only have one sister and I'm great! We were fine with that growing up, grateful, even, to not have to share everything with someone else. They'll be lonely? Sure, I mean, they have each other but whatever. At least they already have a cousin and maybe one more in the future. I think they'll be just fine. Not to mention they've already had to share us with each other from day one! They do not need another sibling.

But you can't be done yet! Don't you want to be pregnant again?

Hi, I'm 31 and I've already had one of the most stressful and difficult pregnancies known to womankind. Not only did I carry two babies that were identical twins, I had gestational diabetes, a c-section and they had a two week nicu stay. I bet I could easily equate my one pregnancy to many women's three or four combined in terms of exhaustion, pain, immobility and anxiety. Nope, I don't want to be pregnant again.

Don't you want another one though, babies are the best!

Babies are the best. And the best part about babies? They don't stay babies for long. Thank god. Ever try to eat or sleep at night with not just one but two screaming newborns who need to eat every 2 hours on the dot? It is nearly impossible. And we are no where near out of this yet - they're still babies for god sakes! Sure, one newborn would probably be a breeze for us but you expect me to want to do all that all over again and with two older kids too? Are you serious? Why the hell would I want to do a thing like that!? And, dear lord, what if I have two more? Then what?!

Like I said - over. it.

The worst is when these questions come from people who have only one or two children themselves. Come on! Maybe you regret that you didn't have more for whatever reason but it's not so crazy that I don't think I will!

And what about the simple fact that I only ever wanted two kids? Lots of people only want two but they aren't given a hard time over their choice. So I happened to complete my family in one fell swoop but you think I have to have at least one more just because? What the hell?

We're good. I repeat, right now, while my children are only 9 months old and still babies, that for all of the above reasons, none of which will change in the near future, I can confidently say that we do not want another baby. We. Are. Good. 

So please stop giving me a hard time when I tell you that.

I will continue to be polite and bite my tongue but if you encounter me (or any mom) at a gathering this summer and have read this, I'm begging you to please keep it in mind. Aside from being annoying, no one likes to have those awkward exchanges where the answer is not what the person expected. Things get weird. It's not really your business to know why and you should always be mindful of the battle other people may be facing including infertility, financial burdens, a loss, family issues etc. All of these things can impact their family size and you have no idea what your question is bringing up for them. They likely don't want to or feel the need to get into it, just as I hate having to explain why, so it could get uncomfortable for everyone. So just don't ask!

That is all.

I really, really hope I'm not jinxing the hell out of myself.


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