July 28, 2014

Finishing touches and a final freak out...

We went in to the hospital for my pre-op blood work this morning then had a nice lunch at a local bistro. I've been feeling really good, actually sleeping a bit despite the thunderstorms that rolled through last night, and we're planning to finish up some things today. After we got home we decided to relax for a little while and all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. This insane sadness and fear just came up and it literally knocked the wind out of me. I started crying and heaving and couldn't get a grip to even tell poor C what was wrong. Finally I was able to eek out that I was scared. He guessed it was of the surgery, which yes part of it is, but mostly of what comes after. For eight months I've been happy and excited and yes, at times afraid, but this was the first time I felt real fear. Fear of failure, fear of looking like a fool, fear of not being able to handle it... fear of everything that could possibly go wrong. It was all-consuming and it came out of nowhere and thankfully C was able to help me come out of it but it really got me thinking.

When I was younger my father used to have to remind me that I had no crystal ball in which to see the future so it made no sense to worry about the what ifs or the mights or the maybes. I never understood how people could just go through life happily when so much bad stuff could happen at any time. I stressed so hard about all the bad things that could happen that I often convinced myself that the worst thing I could do was even try. Thank God I had parents who learned early on that if they catered to this I'd never leave. They helped me cope, taught me how to handle my fears and helped me see that just because something can go wrong doesn't mean it will. In this case, my fears start with the surgery and go on, I'd assume like most parents, to include every aspect of the next 18 years of our lives. Ever since I watched some stupid show when I was a kid I've been convinced I'm going to bleed out during childbirth. This might be part of the reason why I chose a c-section (although considering I was originally going to try a homebirth who knows..). That could happen, it's one possibility, or it could all go perfectly. For the last 8 months I've been afraid that they will need to go to the NICU. That could happen, or they could be fine. What if I can't breastfeed? What if I hate this? What if I go crazy and do something bad? There are so many things that can go wrong and if I let them, my fears could absolutely consume me.

So today I'm desperately trying to keep my dad's advice in my heart. I have no crystal ball. I have no idea what's going to happen. For all I know the surgery could go super smoothly and the babies will be perfect and I will magically be good at this parenting thing and all of this anxiety would be for nothing, like it always is anyway.

I need to remember to be positive. In all things. My inability to see the future just means that I need to put more energy in to drawing positivity towards it. If I focus on what could go wrong I may be welcoming that. So I need to choose to focus on the good things, no matter how much my brain wants me to worry. That's my natural inclination and old habits die hard for me. I need to choose positivity, light, happiness and goodness. The last thing I want is my kids' last days inside me to be filled with anxiety.

So today I choose to look forward with my head high, no tears in my eyes and my heart full of hope for the future. I'm glad I don't have a crystal ball because I can't wait to actually experience all that this new chapter of my life has to offer. I'm going to finish the nursery, get those car seats in the car finally and maybe even start the letters to the girls I've been meaning to write. I can't promise I won't be heaving some sighs and pushing the bad thoughts away but I am going to try my hardest not to let the dark clouds in. No matter what, at the end of the day, this is absolutely a magical moment in our lives and I won't let myself ruin it! And if I find myself slipping I just remind myself of my own advice: fake it 'til you make it!

Were you a nervous wreck in the final days of your pregnancy? Any freakouts like me?


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