Please Be Mindful of What You Say To My Kids

I get a lot of questions and comments as a twin mom. I'm used to it and usually it doesn't bother me. But lately we're getting this one question that I had been humoring but is really starting to get to me:

"Which one is the troublemaker (or boldie, handful, evil twin, easy one, enter some other insulting but "cute" descriptive term)?"

or

"Double Trouble! You've got your hands full, Mom!"

Just last week at the grocery store a woman looked at my girls for all of 3 seconds and stated very matter-of-factly, "Oooh, I can tell you're the troublemaker," to Jules. I asked her why she thought that and she said, "She's got that smile, the other one just looks more cautious."

She was right, Jules was smiling and Viv was furrowing her brow at her like she tends to do. It seemed innocent but this exchange really made me stop and think about what happens when people make assumptions about kids, often based solely on the looks on their faces.

At the very least I wonder since when did a smile equate troublemaking behavior? Just because she's a little more outgoing? Isn't that a desirable trait? But I'm really trying to figure out why it's ok to say that to her face? Even if that smile does mean she's a little more brazen, does it warrant being called a troublemaker? That's not the association I want my daughter having with smiling, would you?

Are we not at the point yet where we realize our words have meaning, even for the youngest of people? People still don't understand that what we say impacts how they feel, about themselves and the world around them? And, more importantly, would she have said anything at all if her sister wasn't sitting behind her, not smiling?

I've noticed that we don't tend to do this with typical siblings - make guesses about what type of people they are, at least not in comparison to their sister. But it seems like as soon as you mention the word twins everything becomes black or white. We try to find their differences and define them, to figure out who they really are. Just because they were born at the same time.

Just being a twin does not mean one is inherently good or bad. Yes, they came from one egg that split but not in such a literal sense that they each inherited only one kind of particular personality traits. That's just crazy. And yet, when you ask my toddlers "Which one likes to give Mommy the hard time?" you are insinuating that one of them was born to be bad.

We need to remember, not just for twins but for all children: who they are at any given moment does not define them and certainly doesn't give us any logical reason to label one as "trouble" or as "the good one".

The last thing I need is one of my kids thinking she has an excuse to be a rebel just because she was born that way - while her sister got all the "good" parts.

Trust me, neither one gives me an easy time all the time. I'm fairly certain that's normal, yes?

Also, for the love of all things, please do not call them double trouble. Yes, there are two of them. Yes, kids can be hard at times - ALL kids are hard. But they are not double trouble. I can't figure out why people say it - so many do - but I think they just think it's cute. It's not. At least not to me.

Would you ever stroll past a family with just one child and randomly proclaim, "She looks like trouble!"? No, right? So, why is it different for my kids? Oh right, because they happened to be born together.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B: Each exercising their right to be 1 year old. Not double trouble. Just 1 year old sisters.

I remember people categorizing me as a child and it drove me nuts. Even though a lot of the time people were making accurate assessments it stung to hear that the adults I cared about thought I was a worry-wort, dramatic, a smart-ass or a know-it-all. I didn't choose to be these things, it was partly my temperament and partly just me trying to figure out how the world worked.

Instead of bucking those descriptions I chose to embrace them - it's what everyone thought I was anyway, so why not? I made it a point to be as obnoxious and theatrical as I could, to garner attention with my outbursts and seemingly uncontrollable emotions. By the time I was 18 I had made up my own mental illness and was on my way to getting myself committed when I realized I didn't want to play this game anymore. I made a choice to break the trend and change the way people thought of me. I reinvented myself in college, lost a lot of my old friends as a result and ultimately became a happier and healthier person. But I really wish I didn't have to go through all that to get there.

Would it have been different if I never tried to fit in the boxes people put me in?

At 15 months old I have no idea who my children are and even if I did I certainly wouldn't want to slap a label on for them to carry through their lives.

Yes, it can be fun to draw comparisons and psychoanalyze them, especially because they are identical twins (trust me my inner psych major is always itching to experiment with them). But the fact is that aside from our most basic personality traits, those that make up our temperament (think: would you rather be alone or in a crowd, do you prefer reading or running, are you anxious or easy-going?) we are meant to be fluid - changing and adapting as we grow. At the very least none of us are still the same type of person we were at 15 months old.

We need to realize that what we say matters. What seems innocent can cause harm. Those labels can and do stick and they can hinder growth, especially when there is a negative connotation attached. Like the word trouble. That's not something I want for my girls. My fear is that at some point they will internalize the idea that one is good and one is bad, or worse that they are both bad just because there's two of them. And who knows what will happen next.

So, please, when you see a set of twins out and about, don't ask which one is the troublemaker. Don't ask which one is the favorite. Don't assume to know anything about who they are based on the few seconds you've watched them or the looks on their faces. You wouldn't compare and label a set of adult siblings you just met so why treat my toddlers any differently?  Imagine how you'd feel if someone labeled you as "the bad one" just because you were having a moment. Or if you were the "good one" because your sister was scowling. It's not fair and it's not ok.

Instead, say something like, "Are you having fun shopping with your Mom?" "I like your pink shirt." or "I see you have a sister, I bet you have a lot of fun together!"

Again, I know it's hard - they're identical twins and that changes the way people think of them. I can't change that (but I'm going to try). Regardless of what you see in those few minutes you talk with us, it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Your words, on the other hand, do mean something, so please choose them wisely.

Xo,
Maigen

Don't Grow Up On Me Too Fast

Dear Babies,


I see you over there. Testing your boundaries, pulling up and letting go, trying new things. Learning, moving, climbing and chattering.

Look at you sitting there, looking like kids. At the Dentist! Stop that.

Growing up right before my very eyes.

You try to hide it. You get shy when I watch, feign needing help, pretending you can't when you can.

But you know I know. You want to be my babies but you desperately want to explore and be yourselves too. I see it. I understand.


All of a sudden you’re one going on sixteen. It’s terrifying. For all of us.


I do what I can to help you. To challenge you and give you the tools to learn how to think. I want you to figure it out. To be confident in your decisions and to learn your own lessons.


But I won’t push you. I won’t help you grow up any faster than you are on your own. You will grow up of course, but, for now, I won’t rush it.


If nothing changes, you could be our only children. The only babies I will nurse, rock, snuggle and raise. I want to hold on to this for as long as I can. I need to.

Standing there and climbing on shelves like you own the place. Not yet!

I waited so long to have you and was so incredibly blessed to be granted the gift of not just one but two incredible, beautiful little beings.


But if you could help me with this one thing...


I need you to stay little. Just for a little while longer. I know you’re practically toddlers, but please, just stay babies for a bit?


Maybe I’m a little selfish but I don’t believe you’ll be hurt by it. I trust you to figure things out. You'll get there. And I’m here to help you.

Trust me.


I will teach you what you want to learn. When you’re ready. But not yet. You may be one but you’re still my babies. And I need this to last.


This being that raw, biological and unconditional love, of which you have no real understanding. That which you were born doing.


You love me like you can’t live without me and aren’t afraid to show it. You don’t really get mad at me. I am your world. Just give me a little longer with that. Before you figure it all out and then you’re off.


I need you to just be little for a while.


So I won’t make you walk. I love watching you figure out your coordination and how to do it. It's a beautiful mess of movement that reminds me of a dance.


I won’t make you use a fork. I love your chubby little fingers grasping for food and your messy faces.



I won’t make you talk to me or perform. But I will listen when you babble and respond when you need me to.


I won’t potty train you. Until you’re interested. And ready. Or five.

I will nurse you. Or bottle feed you. Whatever. Until you’re done. Or because you finally figured out how to drink from a cup. Because you love it.


I will help you learn how to sleep and eat real food and have fun. All the good things in life, I will make sure you know.

I will respond to your needs as they change, to your reactions as they get bigger and I will help you deal with and conquer your frustrations.


Above all I will help you learn how to do things at your own pace. Not by what doctors or relatives or other people think you should be doing.


But I will not rush you through this.


And I regret trying to force things in the past.


Life might be easier if you became toddlers. If you ate neatly, started picking up after yourselves and using the toilet. If you really listened to me. But I don’t want that. And you don’t need that. Not just yet.


You’re my only babies and right now, I know we all want this to last. So, for as long as you are willing, please keep loving me this much and needing me in this way.


Because way too soon it’s going to change and my heart is already aching at the thought.


Do know though, that when and while it all changes, I will be there for you, as you learn who you are.

As you have your own hopes and dreams and desires. Just like I am now, I promise, I will be there.

Even though you may not always want me. Because as much as I love this part, I can hardly wait for what comes next.


But please, just for a little while, let's all just be.


Love,

Mama

Let Them Be.

I'm frustrated.

A while back I wrote about my pleas to change the way we talk about sleep "training" in an effort to make families feel confident and secure rather than feel like total crap over their decision to help their children learn to sleep. Well, something else has really been getting to me lately.

Can we please stop comparing our babies to one another? Can we stop worrying about when things like rolling, crawling, walking and talking will happen for our babies? Can we stop worrying all together?? Can we just enjoy them for the extremely short time that they are babies? Please. I'm thisclose to leaving some mom groups I'm in, despite loving the support and friendships I've made, because I can't stand the comparisons, the anxiety, and so on. It's breaking my heart. I've worked really hard to stop doing it myself and I want that for every single mom I come across every day.

To be clear I love the "such and such is crawling or whatever!" posts. Those are not the ones I mean. I mean the ones written to compare or express concern over delayed milestones in young babies. Or the blatant brags about extremely advanced behavior that make other moms feel insecure, whether intentional or not. Maybe I'm just really sensitive to it since my girls are preemies and therefore are technically delayed in terms of their actual age. But I really believe it might actually be hurting our kids.  And it's definitely not helping us tear down those walls I talked about before. 

I have been saving some snippets of conversations I've seen in the last few days. All of these are from twin, mom, cloth diaper and nursing/feeding groups that I absolutely love being a part of. That's why this kills me so much. Some summaries of what I've read:

• My baby was born in September and he isn't clapping yet. Should I be worried?
• How much did your baby weigh at a year old?  I'm freaking that our son is under weight. He only weighs 20 lbs. What can I do?
• My 11 month old will not eat with a spoon, he just flings food around. I see other babies feeding themselves and I'm so worried there's something wrong with his coordination.
• When did your babies start rolling over? Mine have no interest yet at 5 months old no matter what I do. Should I talk to the pediatrician?
• What are the first signs of autism? My seven month old is doing some weird head shaking thing and google says autism.
• How many words can your LO say at 15 months? My girl can say 35! Just wondering what other babies are doing!
• My son started rolling at 6 weeks, crawling at 4 months and walking at 8 months. Slow down little man! Any other fast learners in here?

Yes, they're all innocent questions and yes, everyone wonders where their kid falls on the spectrum of ability, but would it kill us to at least hold off until they're, I don't know, 18 months old? Two years old even?  Until then, can't we just celebrate the uniqueness that is each of our beautiful, wonderful children?

The internet has made it so easy to find out if our children are "behind" or how they compare against children of the same age. But at the end of the day what difference does it make? What does comparing do except incite anxiety and worry, often unnecessarily?

Also, some people lie. Or they mistake reflexes or randomness for "firsts". Majority of the first words people talk about are babbling - although I guess they could count, but most babies do not say Dada and mean it at 5 months old (and for me, it's not a first word until the child comprehends that that thing over there is Dada and calls it as such). Did you know there's a rolling reflex? Jules rolled over for the first time at 7 weeks old. I was elated. Then she didn't do it again until she was 8 months old no matter how much I tried. Even though it seemed like every baby her age had it mastered by 6 months. Neither one made a consonant sound until 9 months old. And guess what? They're fine. But I wasted precious moments trying to get them to do the things I thought they should be doing. And for what? To be in with the cool kids?

And finally, why in the hell does it matter? Again, I go back to my previous point I made when talking about sleep training. Quick, think of your three closest friends. Which one of them was walking at 12 months old? Not sure? Ok, this one's easier, at what age did your significant other start to talk? How has that directly effected their day to day life? See? How does any of this matter in the long run?

It doesn't. None of this will matter in six months, let alone twenty years. Eventually we all learn to walk and talk and when or how it happened means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

And yet we worry and wonder. We research and we read. We compare our babies to strangers' kids on facebook. We stress when they aren't following some developmental milestone chart we found online and then try to force them to do things before they're ready. We freak out if we think something might be wrong when usually they're just not there yet. I am absolutely guilty of this and I regret that I spent the first six months of my girls lives trying to make them do things they just weren't ready for yet.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be aware. Of course we should. Know the basics of child development but don't beat yourself up if your child isn't advanced or even on time. Nurture them and support them and if at some point you have concerns then you can start the process of getting the appropriate help. Early intervention is a wonderful tool that we have access too if necessary but often it is not needed. What's needed is time and support. You're mom. You will know best. Trust that instinct!

And remember, before we know it we'll be stressing with them over things that actually matter like growing up and dating and them becoming who they really are or whatever. So give them time. Let them be babies.  Celebrate what they are doing. Maybe they're not rolling over at 5 months but they are still nursing like champs or babbling like crazy. Maybe your 15 month old only says 5 words but she is the best peek-a-boo player in the state.

Pay attention to what really matters, what makes your child special and celebrate that. Encourage your child, play with them, but most of all, love them for who they are right at that moment, no matter what they're capable of. All too fast they will be doing it all and this worrying will, hopefully, be a long lost memory. Let's enjoy it as much as we can and just let them be.

What do you think?

Xo,
Maigen

My Best Tips for a Happy and Healthy {Twin} Pregnancy

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links.

The hardest parts about being pregnant with twins (aside from the initial shock and figuring out how you'll afford it) are making sure that you eat and drink enough, stay active and get enough rest. Some days, even in the beginning, the exhaustion and pain were so bad that I could barely sweep the floor after lunch at the daycare without needing to sit down. I was constantly starving and thirsty which led to feeling nauseous even though I didn't really have morning sickness. Growing two babies almost literally took everything I had and it was a full time job just keeping myself as healthy possible and staying sane at the same time.

So, how exactly do you take the best care of yourself and your babies? Read on to find out.

Eat. Eat Everything (good for you) and All The Time:

Everyone knows that pregnant women eat a lot but when you're carrying two it's insane how much and how often you need to eat. My body was giving everything to my babies and no matter how much I ate I still struggled to gain enough weight, at least according to Dr. Luke and the book When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads. While I love this book there were times where I felt like no matter how much I did I could not keep up with how much I should have been eating. The overwhelming message of this book though is truth - Eat. Eat. Eat! As long as you're eating healthily (read: do not live on soda, chips or other crap, you will feel like crap) majority of the time you cannot eat too much. Do not give one second of thought to the people or even doctors who warn you about gaining too much weight. As Dr. Luke points out - you cannot gain too much with twins - every pound is building stronger, healthier babies!

I needed to eat every two hours or nausea would set in. Once that happened I could only stomach crackers until it passed. I couldn't just eat anything either, I craved protein, dairy and carbs like crazy.

Here's What I Ate:

Every morning I would have oatmeal or eggs, sausage or bacon, a bagel or toast and a banana plus one of my protein packed smoothies (find the recipe here).

Two hours later I would have a "snack" that usually consisted of trail mix, a cheese stick, peppers or carrots and an apple or grapes.

Lunch would be a tuna, egg, pb&j or grilled cheese sandwich or a chicken and veggie quesadilla or burrito with a huge salad, a protein shake and berries or a banana.

Two hours later another snack of a granola bar, yogurt, cheese and crackers or whatever the kids at daycare were having.

Dinner was grown man portions of chicken, fish, pasta or whatever we were having with lots of steamed veggies and always a few pieces of bread and butter.

Two hours later another snack although it was more of a dessert with either ice cream or fruit and yogurt or a bowl of cereal.

You're probably thinking how the hell did she eat that much. I did, and then some. And, despite eating all this I still found myself snacking again around 11pm and waking up starving at 7am. I kept crackers in my nightstand my entire pregnancy for the middle of the night and early morning hunger so the nausea wouldn't hit before I got a chance to eat something real.

When I developed gestational diabetes it was harder to eat as much while watching my carb intake but I just swapped out the cereal, juice, some of the fruit and bread for more yogurt, cheese, veggies and protein. I started eating beans which I had always hated. I limited myself to just one slice of pizza and left the crust but followed it with a salad. My numbers stayed low but I still felt full and satisfied. Contrary to what a lot of women (including myself) think at first, GD is not the end of the world.

The bottom line is to eat, eat, eat. Even when you don't feel like you could or should eat anymore - eat. You are feeding three people and your body is taking everything good from you to give to your babies so give it what it needs!

Drink. Like Water is Going Out of Style:

Years before I was pregnant a friend of mine was hospitalized while pregnant for dehydration. She got really sick and needed to be monitored constantly afterwards. This terrified me as every time I had seen her she had her water bottle with her. I worried so much about remembering to drink enough water but when it came down to it I didn't really have to force it. I was so thirsty all the time and felt like I could never quench it. I drank over 200 oz. of water a day. So much that my LifeFactory Glass Water Bottle became my little side kick and the kids at the daycare would drop everything and rush it over to me if I forgot it somewhere.

I would wake up in the middle of the night to pee and feel so parched I'd down a full 8 oz. knowing full well I would be needing to pee again in an hour. It didn't matter though, I knew that this was one of the most important things I could do . They're not kidding when they say water is one of the most important parts of a healthy pregnancy. According to What To Expect drinking enough water helps your body absorb all the vital nutrients, bulks up the amniotic fluid and keeps the pipes running clean, which is ever so important when you digestive tract slows down and things start to get uncomfortable. Even many of those dreaded pregnancy symptoms - headaches, nausea, overheating and fatigue can be helped by drinking enough water. You don't have to give up your morning coffee and you can have a juice or a soda a day if you really need it but it is absolutely vital that you drink water all day, every day. I swear my constant consumption of H2O is one of the reasons my pregnancy wasn't an absolute nightmare. So drink, drink, drink your weight in water! And when you feel like you can't possibly drink anymore, drink some more. Your baby and your body will thank you, even though your bladder might not!

Move. Stay Active as Often and as Long as You Can:

Ok, this one was tough for me. I am not huge into fitness as it is so when I found out that I should be "working out" at least 3 times a week while pregnant I felt a little anxious. Some days I was too tired to move, how was I supposed to get up and work out? Well, the sad truth is I never really did. But, I did stay as active as I could. I worked in daycare so I was up and down and moving all around right up until I left my job at 6 months. Unless you've done it you can't possibly know how physically demanding it can be caring for 12 munchkins. I was more than active enough to feel like I didn't really need to do scheduled work outs. Same goes if you've got older kids at home!

When I left work I made it a point to do stretches, yoga and walking every day, even if just for 10 minutes. It was a struggle towards the end but I really did feel better when I was moving around. Also, even just a five minute walk around the block helped manage the diabetes and keep my numbers low. I was honest with my Doctors and they understood my limitations but encouraged me to do as much as I could. I downloaded prenatal yoga sessions and would use those to unwind after a long day. I stretched every morning before work which helped with back and muscle aches. When it all became too much I considered walking from the couch to the fridge a work out because carrying around the added 35 lbs. certainly made it feel like one! Do what you can,but don't feel too bad if it's not much!

Rest. Again, as Often and as Much as You Can:

It's a sad truth that enough sleep is tough to attain while pregnant despite the fact that you face many months of sleep deprivation after baby arrives. Even very early on hormonal changes make your body go crazy causing some lovely sleep disruptions like nausea, heartburn, back aches and needing to pee every hour. Add to this the strain of a growing belly in the later months and it can be almost impossible to fall and stay asleep. I invested very early on in a pregnancy pillow that I still consider to be a lifesaver. Sure, you could just use a regular pillow or a body pillow but I swear by the Snoogle Total Body Pillow by Leachco. It was absolutely perfect for me. It cradled my belly, supported my back and head and ensured I woke up well rested all the way through the end.

Night sleep isn't all that matters either. It is vital that you are physically resting your body during the day too. I had the luxury of having a job that not only kept me active enough but also allowed me to rest. Oh, rest time, one of the true joys of working daycare. Every day from 12-3 the babes went to sleep and I was lucky enough to have a boss and assistant who understood how important it was for me to rest so I took a cat-nap while the kiddies slept and they kept watch. The parents all knew, several of them walked in on me snuggling my niece or another child and no one ever complained - they knew I was growing two people!

If you don't have a job where you can really take a nap, talk to your boss about how important it is to rest and see about just laying down on a couch for 15 minutes or going to your car to recharge in the middle of a busy day. Getting enough rest is just as important as eating, drinking and exercising enough, especially towards the end when just walking up a flight of stairs is enough to wipe you out!  Catch a few zzzs whenever and wherever you can and do not ever feel guilty if the most you can do is walk from the bed to the couch, especially in those later months.

Bonus Tip: Take Your Vitamins!

One more thing just for good measure: Take a good prenatal. I found that the ones prescribed by my Doctor made me nauseous and I hated taking them until I discovered the wonder of a food based vitamin called Rainbow Light Prental One Multivitamin. I swear they gave me more energy, helped keep the nausea at bay and kept me feeling good! I still take them as often as I can remember to help get the girls all their essential vitamins and nutrients while we nurse.

...

Carrying twins can sometimes feel like a never ending uphill battle where your own needs constantly take a back seat to theirs. But if you eat, drink, move and rest enough I promise you that not only will your babies be stronger and healthier, but you too will feel better and hopefully have an easier pregnancy. Well, as easy as carrying two could possibly be!

What are some of your tips for a happy healthy pregnancy?

Xo,

Maigen

Mental Leaps, Wonder Weeks and Sleep - oh my!

I've talked a bit before about mental leaps and The Wonder Weeks but lately I've been thinking more about the science of all of it and why it isn't a more widely known concept. It makes so much sense and has thus far been so accurate for us that I feel like I need to spread the word!

So, what is this Wonder Weeks thing all about?

Years ago Dr. Hetty van de Rijt and Dr. Frans Plooij wrote this fantastic book about baby development after 35 years of research. The Wonder Weeks is the most clear cut guide to baby behavior that I've found. It helped us understand why our otherwise lovely twins turn into absolute nightmares every six weeks or so. They "forget" how to sleep, they won't let me walk away for even a second, they hate the car and their cribs and my arms and each other, nothing makes them happy except nursing and sometimes walking around. It was during our first week of real hell with new babies and we thought for sure we had broken them that I went searching for answers.

Somehow I discovered the Wonder Weeks App. I think my exact google search was for "Why the hell is my baby insane all of a sudden?" According to this app they were experiencing their first "mental leap" in development and after a few weeks of hell I could expect a whole new baby as they completed the cycle and they would "leap forward." I immediately bought the e-book and signed up for the updates so I could know when to expect the next one. I now knew when my girls would be crazy but also when they would be more cheerful and independent. It promised me that eventually there would be a "delightful" time for all of us. And there was! It got better just like the book said it would! I watched as they made the "one small step back" and then the "giant leap forward." Not only that, the book provided coping mechanisms and tools to make the "fussy periods" easier on all of us and to facilitate development! I remember thinking, "What sorcery is this and where has it been all my life?!"

See, what struck me then was is that I had never heard of anything like this before. I actually have a B.A. in Psychology and although it seems like a million years ago now, once upon a time I was a spry young psych student at a really nice (read: $$$) Jesuit college in Syracuse. It was a liberal arts school so along with the fifty or so psychology courses I was also required to take philosophy, religion and science, history and arts classes. I always knew I wanted to work with kids so I took a few Child Development classes including Learning and Cognition, Therapeutic Methods and Disorders of Childhood. Not once do I recall learning about mental leaps in childhood that influence everything from temperament and behavior to sleep and eating patterns. In fact, despite my degree and working in childcare forever, I never even heard of them until I became a mother myself.

Why the hell is that? Wouldn't you think this information would widely known and accepted. Why aren't we distributing it in every hospital after a baby is born? It's as close as we've got to that parenting manual people are always wishing they had! Pediatricians should make sure every parent leaves those monthly appointments with a clean cut explanation! And yet they're not! Why is that?

I finally realized why. I've actually heard of these leaps all along just described as phases or stages. How many of us heard that as kids or about siblings or cousins growing up? "She's going through a phase, it'll pass." But instead of just chalking it up to this and dealing wouldn't we all be better off if we had some sort of knowledge as to why this phase was happening, what we could expect and how to help it? The Wonder Weeks provides all that insight and more! It's brilliant! But how come more people don't know about them and why do some people still think it's a bunch of bs?

I suspect one reason it's not talked about all that much is that while it is based on well researched and reviewed science it's hard to be exact. The old adage every child is different is very true when attempting to predict baby behavior. I know better than most the influence that even just a few more weeks in utero can have on development. Case in point, as a result of coming just five weeks early my girls didn't experience their first mental leaps, which usually occur at week five until they were closer to 3 months old. Prior to that they didn't do much at all but eat, poop and sleep. After the leap though they started smiling, looking around more and were awake for longer periods but slept better when they did sleep. They really did "leap" forward! It was amazing to watch and helped us figure out early on that they definitely followed their due date rather than their birth date. This helped calm some of my fears as they "missed" developmental milestones for their real age. The best part for us parents is that the Wonder Weeks allows for these differences by advising you to go by the baby's due date rather than birth date. From what I've observed it seems to be right almost all the time if people are aware of this difference - even just a few days can effect baby's developmental timing.

But what about the science of it? I hear people saying that there's got to be something concrete, things that parents can read and think, oh, that explains it. I don't know why people don't trust 35 years of observation on thousands of infants. Or the fact that nearly every parent struggles with one of the issues that always occurs during a leap - rough sleep. Yes, one common thread among the mental leaps is sleep issues. Boy oh boy can we attest to that. Every time they're in a leap these kids sleep like crap.  And it's like clockwork! We can know they're in a leap without the app just by paying attention to their sleep (or lack thereof). That's all the scientific evidence that I need. The authors explain that babies who have trouble sleeping often want to practice their new skills that they've mentally mastered. So a baby figures out she can crawl in her head but can't quite get the mechanics of it. She feels this drive to do it hence fighting sleep and being more irritable. We're watching Viv do this now so it makes sense to me. Knowing this is happening we can help her practice her skills during her wake times and actually help her sleep better! It's a win-win all around!

Given that almost all babies "forget" how to sleep right around a leap there has to be some sort of mind-body connection that we can prove going on here, right? I guess the science gets muddied with the fact that these leaps often coincide or occur around growth spurts and sleep "regressions" (read here why I hate that word) so maybe that's why people aren't keen to accept the idea that it's actually a leap. But it makes so much sense to me: their brains are growing - both physically and metaphorically - as they bridge connections and learn. Hasn't someone figured out how to show this? Are there no images of the brain lighting up to prove the connection or something like that? Forgive me, I took psych but quit pre-med after the first week. I just feel like if we could get some more really good easy to understand infographics into the hands of parents, other than this great book, then we would all be better off. People could stop googling WHY WON'T MY BABY SLEEP or thinking that their child is broken. I think we would all rest a little easier (pun intended) if we were able to really understand our babies brains and why sleep is so hard to come by sometimes. This struggle might be a little easier if we all understood that it's not a problem to be fixed but an exciting time of change for baby and that it will get better!

Discovering this book has eased my mind so much. It's helped me to understand and connect with my babies on a deeper level and truly created more peace in our home. We no longer cry out why why why at 3am when we're on our third wake-up of the night or bash our heads against the wall when they just won't be put down for a second. "It's the leap," we say, or, "I wonder what she's working on now?" We are able to meet their needs and support them because we know what to expect, we have some idea of what is going on both mentally and physically and we are all happier for it!

What do you think about the idea of mental leaps and the wonder weeks? Does it effect your babies obviously like ours or do you think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy?


Xo,
Maigen