Please Be Mindful of What You Say To My Kids

I get a lot of questions and comments as a twin mom. I'm used to it and usually it doesn't bother me. But lately we're getting this one question that I had been humoring but is really starting to get to me:

"Which one is the troublemaker (or boldie, handful, evil twin, easy one, enter some other insulting but "cute" descriptive term)?"

or

"Double Trouble! You've got your hands full, Mom!"

Just last week at the grocery store a woman looked at my girls for all of 3 seconds and stated very matter-of-factly, "Oooh, I can tell you're the troublemaker," to Jules. I asked her why she thought that and she said, "She's got that smile, the other one just looks more cautious."

She was right, Jules was smiling and Viv was furrowing her brow at her like she tends to do. It seemed innocent but this exchange really made me stop and think about what happens when people make assumptions about kids, often based solely on the looks on their faces.

At the very least I wonder since when did a smile equate troublemaking behavior? Just because she's a little more outgoing? Isn't that a desirable trait? But I'm really trying to figure out why it's ok to say that to her face? Even if that smile does mean she's a little more brazen, does it warrant being called a troublemaker? That's not the association I want my daughter having with smiling, would you?

Are we not at the point yet where we realize our words have meaning, even for the youngest of people? People still don't understand that what we say impacts how they feel, about themselves and the world around them? And, more importantly, would she have said anything at all if her sister wasn't sitting behind her, not smiling?

I've noticed that we don't tend to do this with typical siblings - make guesses about what type of people they are, at least not in comparison to their sister. But it seems like as soon as you mention the word twins everything becomes black or white. We try to find their differences and define them, to figure out who they really are. Just because they were born at the same time.

Just being a twin does not mean one is inherently good or bad. Yes, they came from one egg that split but not in such a literal sense that they each inherited only one kind of particular personality traits. That's just crazy. And yet, when you ask my toddlers "Which one likes to give Mommy the hard time?" you are insinuating that one of them was born to be bad.

We need to remember, not just for twins but for all children: who they are at any given moment does not define them and certainly doesn't give us any logical reason to label one as "trouble" or as "the good one".

The last thing I need is one of my kids thinking she has an excuse to be a rebel just because she was born that way - while her sister got all the "good" parts.

Trust me, neither one gives me an easy time all the time. I'm fairly certain that's normal, yes?

Also, for the love of all things, please do not call them double trouble. Yes, there are two of them. Yes, kids can be hard at times - ALL kids are hard. But they are not double trouble. I can't figure out why people say it - so many do - but I think they just think it's cute. It's not. At least not to me.

Would you ever stroll past a family with just one child and randomly proclaim, "She looks like trouble!"? No, right? So, why is it different for my kids? Oh right, because they happened to be born together.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B: Each exercising their right to be 1 year old. Not double trouble. Just 1 year old sisters.

I remember people categorizing me as a child and it drove me nuts. Even though a lot of the time people were making accurate assessments it stung to hear that the adults I cared about thought I was a worry-wort, dramatic, a smart-ass or a know-it-all. I didn't choose to be these things, it was partly my temperament and partly just me trying to figure out how the world worked.

Instead of bucking those descriptions I chose to embrace them - it's what everyone thought I was anyway, so why not? I made it a point to be as obnoxious and theatrical as I could, to garner attention with my outbursts and seemingly uncontrollable emotions. By the time I was 18 I had made up my own mental illness and was on my way to getting myself committed when I realized I didn't want to play this game anymore. I made a choice to break the trend and change the way people thought of me. I reinvented myself in college, lost a lot of my old friends as a result and ultimately became a happier and healthier person. But I really wish I didn't have to go through all that to get there.

Would it have been different if I never tried to fit in the boxes people put me in?

At 15 months old I have no idea who my children are and even if I did I certainly wouldn't want to slap a label on for them to carry through their lives.

Yes, it can be fun to draw comparisons and psychoanalyze them, especially because they are identical twins (trust me my inner psych major is always itching to experiment with them). But the fact is that aside from our most basic personality traits, those that make up our temperament (think: would you rather be alone or in a crowd, do you prefer reading or running, are you anxious or easy-going?) we are meant to be fluid - changing and adapting as we grow. At the very least none of us are still the same type of person we were at 15 months old.

We need to realize that what we say matters. What seems innocent can cause harm. Those labels can and do stick and they can hinder growth, especially when there is a negative connotation attached. Like the word trouble. That's not something I want for my girls. My fear is that at some point they will internalize the idea that one is good and one is bad, or worse that they are both bad just because there's two of them. And who knows what will happen next.

So, please, when you see a set of twins out and about, don't ask which one is the troublemaker. Don't ask which one is the favorite. Don't assume to know anything about who they are based on the few seconds you've watched them or the looks on their faces. You wouldn't compare and label a set of adult siblings you just met so why treat my toddlers any differently?  Imagine how you'd feel if someone labeled you as "the bad one" just because you were having a moment. Or if you were the "good one" because your sister was scowling. It's not fair and it's not ok.

Instead, say something like, "Are you having fun shopping with your Mom?" "I like your pink shirt." or "I see you have a sister, I bet you have a lot of fun together!"

Again, I know it's hard - they're identical twins and that changes the way people think of them. I can't change that (but I'm going to try). Regardless of what you see in those few minutes you talk with us, it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Your words, on the other hand, do mean something, so please choose them wisely.

Xo,
Maigen

Don't Grow Up On Me Too Fast

Dear Babies,


I see you over there. Testing your boundaries, pulling up and letting go, trying new things. Learning, moving, climbing and chattering.

Look at you sitting there, looking like kids. At the Dentist! Stop that.

Growing up right before my very eyes.

You try to hide it. You get shy when I watch, feign needing help, pretending you can't when you can.

But you know I know. You want to be my babies but you desperately want to explore and be yourselves too. I see it. I understand.


All of a sudden you’re one going on sixteen. It’s terrifying. For all of us.


I do what I can to help you. To challenge you and give you the tools to learn how to think. I want you to figure it out. To be confident in your decisions and to learn your own lessons.


But I won’t push you. I won’t help you grow up any faster than you are on your own. You will grow up of course, but, for now, I won’t rush it.


If nothing changes, you could be our only children. The only babies I will nurse, rock, snuggle and raise. I want to hold on to this for as long as I can. I need to.

Standing there and climbing on shelves like you own the place. Not yet!

I waited so long to have you and was so incredibly blessed to be granted the gift of not just one but two incredible, beautiful little beings.


But if you could help me with this one thing...


I need you to stay little. Just for a little while longer. I know you’re practically toddlers, but please, just stay babies for a bit?


Maybe I’m a little selfish but I don’t believe you’ll be hurt by it. I trust you to figure things out. You'll get there. And I’m here to help you.

Trust me.


I will teach you what you want to learn. When you’re ready. But not yet. You may be one but you’re still my babies. And I need this to last.


This being that raw, biological and unconditional love, of which you have no real understanding. That which you were born doing.


You love me like you can’t live without me and aren’t afraid to show it. You don’t really get mad at me. I am your world. Just give me a little longer with that. Before you figure it all out and then you’re off.


I need you to just be little for a while.


So I won’t make you walk. I love watching you figure out your coordination and how to do it. It's a beautiful mess of movement that reminds me of a dance.


I won’t make you use a fork. I love your chubby little fingers grasping for food and your messy faces.



I won’t make you talk to me or perform. But I will listen when you babble and respond when you need me to.


I won’t potty train you. Until you’re interested. And ready. Or five.

I will nurse you. Or bottle feed you. Whatever. Until you’re done. Or because you finally figured out how to drink from a cup. Because you love it.


I will help you learn how to sleep and eat real food and have fun. All the good things in life, I will make sure you know.

I will respond to your needs as they change, to your reactions as they get bigger and I will help you deal with and conquer your frustrations.


Above all I will help you learn how to do things at your own pace. Not by what doctors or relatives or other people think you should be doing.


But I will not rush you through this.


And I regret trying to force things in the past.


Life might be easier if you became toddlers. If you ate neatly, started picking up after yourselves and using the toilet. If you really listened to me. But I don’t want that. And you don’t need that. Not just yet.


You’re my only babies and right now, I know we all want this to last. So, for as long as you are willing, please keep loving me this much and needing me in this way.


Because way too soon it’s going to change and my heart is already aching at the thought.


Do know though, that when and while it all changes, I will be there for you, as you learn who you are.

As you have your own hopes and dreams and desires. Just like I am now, I promise, I will be there.

Even though you may not always want me. Because as much as I love this part, I can hardly wait for what comes next.


But please, just for a little while, let's all just be.


Love,

Mama

What We Learned On Our First Family Road Trip (with 1 Year Old Twins)!

We had two extended family gatherings this week! Papa T's Birthday and 4th of July at Grandma's which is 2.5 hours away. While neither of these were as hard as our extended trip will be in 2 weeks, it was great practice for me!

In just these two experiences I have learned so much about accommodating 1 year old twins when they are out of routine and on extended car rides. I also realized how it differs from when they were newborns like last summer. In case you were wondering - it's harder. I miss when I could just set them somewhere and not worry about them taking off or when they would actually want to go to "strangers"(ie: family they just haven't seen yet this week), so I could eat or get a drink or pee.

Happy Birthday Papa T!

Here's what I learned:

 

Plan to leave the house 1.5 hours before you actually need to leave. Don't forget add in time to stop and feed them if you need to - especially if you still feed on demand!

I thought I had timed it perfectly so they would eat when we got there. We planned to leave at 930 but didn't absolutely have to leave until 11. We left at 1035. It was perfect until they woke up early and got hungry when we were 15 minutes from Grandma's. Obviously you should not nurse in a moving car so we were glad we gave ourselves a little extra time.

 

Bring Portable Chairs for Them to Eat In

Most people don't just have extra have high chairs in their homes. It seems like no big deal, the kids can just eat on your lap, right? Wrong. First, have you ever tried to get two wild toddlers to sit on your lap at a table and eat? Maybe while you're trying to eat too? It's actually impossible. So lay a blanket on the floor or grass, you say. Nope, yet again. I've tried this several times since we started eating solids and the ratio of food offered to food eaten is like 100 to 5.  Especially when there are so many cool new things to see and people to talk to. The last thing these kids want to do is sit and eat their BBQ chicken or corn on the cob. Until we strap them in their chairs and they have no choice. We registered for and are in love with these Boppy Chairs (affiliate link). They fold up and travel well, are super easy to keep clean and have plenty of room to grow.

When you bring their portable high chairs make sure you bring the trays too.

Especially when you know you'll be eating outside (hello, it's a BBQ). This lovely lunch I packed for them ended up all over the blanket and living room floor because we grabbed the chairs but not the trays. Impromptu picnics are awesome, sometimes. This time it was a huge mess but worse they were starving on the way home because most of their food got sat on or thrown away. We will never forget those damn trays again!

You will forget something. Don't try to avoid it. 

I made lists. I counted everything and double checked. It was our first road trip, I was determined. We were good! See above.

Bring novel, open-ended toys that will keep their attention for when you want to eat. 

I actually did this one right finally and I'm glad I put some thought into it. They ate as soon as we got there so they weren't hungry by the time my food was ready. I put letters and tops in the puffs containers for them to find after they shook and rolled them. Once they got them open and dumped I gave them buckets to fill and empty. I put parchment paper and blocks in a wipes box but they didn't even get to those. They were occupied and happy for a while and I was able to eat quickly before they started crawling up me again.

Ask people if they want to hold your kids and don't forget to take pictures.

Once they relaxed a bit I was able to pass them off to some very eager relatives.  I got a lot of great pictures with their GG and cousins who we don't see very often. If they are happy, I take some pics then sneak away for some grown up conversation. I learned to take advantage of these crazy family parties where everyone just wants to love on the babies to capture memories and also have a little more fun myself! Bonus because it seems to be helping them get used to other people when they spend every single moment of their lives with mom.

If your kids are creatures of habit plan on being home before bedtime, staying the night or learning how to help them cope with a late(r) night. 

This was a rookie mistake I made at both family events this week. Nights are crazy if they don't sleep well during the day or miss their bedtime. We knew this and planned accordingly but things happen and again, we did not count on having to stop and feed them on the way home. Aside from trying to make sure we're home by 7:30 all summer I'm learning ways to handle it because I don't want them to be up all night when we can't control being home late.

Definitely try to not get home the exact moment when there's a billion fireworks going off on your street. 

Happy 4th everyone! I love fireworks. It was awesome to see them on the way home. It was less awesome to come home to every person on our block outside putting on their own personal show. Just getting into the house was like walking through a war zone with two overtired and hungry babies. Vivienne was absolutely losing her mind and CJ went into a rage over it and almost killed the neighbors (instead he cleaned the house while I got the girls "settled" - he is awesome). It was a rough hour or so but they're finally sleeping!

All in all it was a great week full of laughs and new memories. I'm so glad my girls are old enough to really enjoy their first real summer! And I'm super happy for the road trip trial run before our trip next weekend to the Pocono's! Here's hoping it all goes smoothly! I hope you all had a great 4th of July!

Xo,
Maigen

Six Things You Should Know Before You Have A Baby (at least I wish I had...)

You've found it! List #427 of what they should have told you before having a baby. I know, there are so many of these lists out there like this right now. I know there are some things you just can't know until it's happening to you but I do think there are some things other parents go through every day that they could be telling newbies about and they just don't. Maybe they don't think of it or maybe it's 'cuz misery loves company. I know when I'm talking to an expectant mom these things aren't even on my radar until I'm in the thick of it and I'm like ugh, rookie mistake!! It was a night like that when this post came to me. I feel like doing something good so I want to pass on some things I've learned over the last six months that I would have loved to know beforehand. If anyone can remember to use them when it's all so overwhelming then I'm happy to have helped just one mama or dad struggling.

Don't ever comment on how well baby is sleeping, eating, not crying, etc. Never! Not Ever!

You are seriously jinxing yourself. I swear, if I had a dollar for every time I made the statement "I can't believe she is sleeping so well" and she woke up within five minutes. I'd be a thousandaire. Or for every single time Dad calls to check in and I say we're having a great day with no issues only to have the afternoon be a nightmare of tears and screaming. I will never forget the time we told my cousin that they were sleeping 8 hours a night and had been for a few weeks. I wasn't worried about jinxing it, 'cuz they were good (ha!) and then that night they started waking up every hour. That. Night. Just don't do it to yourself. If things are going well, keep it to yourself. If you have to say something then say the opposite of what you mean and explain to others why it's perpetually opposite day in your house. Or start knocking on wood. No, nothing works actually. So just don't say anything at all! Babies? What babies?

When you have spent forever settling baby to sleep and you're positive they are finally out and you think you can leave - STOP AND STAY FIVE MORE MINUTES. 

Just five more minutes can make all difference in the life of a sleep-deprived parent. Even if you've been rocking her or patting her back and shushing her for an hour and she hasn't moved in ten minutes. Keep it up for five more minutes. I'm telling you it is so worth it. There is nothing more frustrating than spending forever getting baby to sleep only to have their eyes fly open the second you stand up or turn to leave. And if you're like me and are constantly having to "help" your babies to sleep you will notice it happens just about every time. You're sure they're off in dreamland, and they might be but if you just think about walking away baby is all, "Just kidding! Let's play or scream some more!" So just sit and wait that extra five minutes until they are really out, no question. Then work some mission impossible moves and get out of there without waking them. Which leads me to number three...

Weeks before baby arrives practice said moves and "wake-up proof" the crap out of your house. 

I know it's hard to tuck and roll when you're 35 weeks pregnant so leave that to hubby but do the route from crib to couch a few hundred times to learn the creaky spots. Mark the "safe" route with Xs if you have to unless you're like us and live in a 200 year old house where nowhere is safe. We have cursed out our wood floors more times than you could imagine. Also, take a trip down the hall in the dark at 3am and remove anything that you will bump into on the way to the kitchen or baby's room. There's nothing worse than stubbing your toe on your way to get a screaming baby while in a state of utter exhaustion. If you do nothing else at the very least WD-40 all doors within ear shot of baby's room. A squeaky door that you barely even hear right now will sound like nails on a chalkboard when you just spent an hour putting a baby to sleep.

You will spend an inconceivable amount of time changing diapers and dressing your baby. 

Jules is unimpressed with her missed snap

Yes, you can get fast at diaper changes but the universal truth is that most kids' clothes are ridiculously difficult to get on and off. To the point where you may find yourself saying "eff it, no one ever died from wearing just a diaper in winter, right?"  Cute clothes are the worst too so don't even think about buying them (don't worry, you'll get plenty from friends and family). There are so many snaps or buttons and you will always end up missing one and having to start over. What could take 2 minutes ends up taking half an hour and likely all your baby's "happy" time so now you're rushing around to feed a miserable starving baby and you don't even notice the poop on your shirt. And if you thought dressing a newborn was hard, holy hell just wait until you're snapping approximately eleventy billion snaps on the jammies of an overtired and squirmy 7 month old or cleaning up the explosive poop accident of a 2 year old. My advice: go out and buy some precious little outfits or super cute pajamas with snaps or buttons and try putting them on one of your teddy bears while someone bounces and twists it and pulls it away from you at warp speed. Make sure they contort it in ways you never thought humanly possible specifically while you're working on the crotch buttons. I believe this to be one of life's greatest challenges. On the other hand you could save yourself the time and frustration and just buy a lot of stretchy, pull-on or zip up clothes and pajamas. They're never the cutest of course (because beauty is pain?) but they're so worth it!

You will find a groove and everything will be great and then boom it will all fall apart again.

A typically happy baby will have some very miserable days. A great sleeper might wake up all night long for weeks at a time. And teething can turn any "good" baby into a biting, drooling, angry little monster. My sister actually did warn me about this but not until the girls were about 16 weeks old and had all of a sudden stopped sleeping longer at night. I was telling her how well it had been going and how frustrating it felt to be up all night again. She told me, "That's just how it is when they're your own. You find what works, baby figures it out too and everyone is happy. Then boom it all goes to hell and you're left scratching your head and starting at square one." It is normal. It's almost never you or something you did (or the shots or the food or whatever else may have changed). It's just par for the course of parenting - a healthy little a reality check for you, in case you were getting too confident. So, help yourself and your baby! Do some research on baby behavior and development. Learn about the mental leaps and check out the Wonder Weeks. Figure out what baby is really going through before you lose your mind. It really helps to understand that no matter what your baby is not actually insane!

It goes so freaking fast.

I know now that you cannot possibly comprehend this until you have kids of your own but I wish I had been more mindful of it from day one. They are only seven months old and I feel like it's been a lifetime and yet a second since the day they were born. I can't believe how big they are, what they can do, how fast it's all going. I really wish I had tried harder to enjoy all the moments, commiting as much as I could to memory, writing it all down and taking more pictures (despite having nearly 3,000 already). It's hard when you spend those first few weeks just trying to keep everyone alive but I'd give anything to see them one more time so small, to smell their fresh baby smell again and to be able to lay with them both on my chest and still be able to breathe. Seriously, it just flies by. Try to inhale, chronicle and most of all, enjoy, every second. Yes, even the miserable ones.


So for all the moms who just wish someone would have told you the real deal on things you could actually prepare for, pass this on. I know there's a lot of things I missed so you tell me, what do you wish someone had told you?

Xo,
Maigen

There Are Some Things I Do Know

My post the other night about knowing all about parenting got me thinking a lot. So much so that I had a nightmare about it the night after I wrote it. I dreamed I ran into an old daycare parent at the grocery store and the girls were about 2. She asked me how potty training was going and I told her were just starting it. For some reason I felt the need to tell her what we were doing and she laughed in my face. She told me I was crazy, it would never work, especially because they were my own children and not daycare kids. I was really upset and woke up angry at this poor mom. All I could think was, "That's how I potty trained YOUR child when you wanted to do it! Why wouldn't it work?!"

That's besides the point though - what really matters is why in the hell I was dreaming about this in the first place.

I think I was a little hard on myself in my post, declaring that I knew nothing about parenting. It's true, I know very little about actually being a parent but that's not to say I know nothing about children or the care that they require. All that we child care providers learn over our careers make us unique in our ability to parent with prior knowledge of methods, tools, technique and results. A professional baker doesn't have to start from scratch when baking cookies with their child at home any more than I have to use a blank slate when it comes to caring for children.

The vast majority of people I know have spent maybe a total of one month of their lives with children before having their own. Plenty of these people have never changed a diaper let alone bathed, fed or toilet trained child. I've done so with hundreds of children. In fact I've spent most of my adult life doing just those things and then some. I may not be a great parent, yet, but I am a skilled and qualified child care provider who has amassed a wealth of helpful knowledge that absolutely aids in my daily life as a new mom. I think that's worth something and I hate that I have discounted it simply because of the logistics of actually having a child who relies on you all day and night versus just 40-50 hours a week as I did in child care.

One of the reasons I thought I knew so much was because I've had the luxury of trying things out in a controlled setting with a number of children at different stages in their lives. If a child was having difficulty, say with potty training at home, I would implement one of the strategies I had tried in the past and inform the parent of it and working together we would tackle the problem. If the parent wasn't on board it was always more difficult but I learned to adapt and make do and more often then not we would end up with children who were potty trained at school but not at home until months later. Why am I having doubts now that my method will work on my own children? Why am I actually afraid that they will be in diapers until kindergarten (does it really matter if they are?)

Well, I answered these questions the last time, I guess. It's what I didn't realize until actually becoming a mom, despite being told "just wait until you have your own" a million times. It's because that's not how this relationship works. Children's relationships with their parents are wired differently than with care providers. Mom and Dad have been there through it all, heard your very first cry and cried and smiled right along with you from the second you arrived on earth. As parents we love with a ferocity that can terrify grown men. And you, as the child on the receiving end of that love, KNOW it. From an eerily early point - you can literally feel your love for us just as strongly as we can although we feel and understand it as love, to you it is simply all you know. You don't know what it means but you know that it feels good and when it goes away it makes you sad. So you cry. And we come and fix the pain, because, god damn it, we're supposed to. We are hard-wired to.

This instinctual love makes implementing and following through with even the most logical parenting choices incredibly difficult. Starting from that first night - maybe you tell yourself you're going to stick to a schedule so you all get some sleep or that you won't ever let baby sleep in your bed. Yet as soon as you feel like baby might be hungry you're sticking a boob or a bottle in their face or pulling them into your bed because they're too damn cute not to snuggle up with. That's what I'm up against, it's biology and I wasn't meant to understand it until the change took place in my own body. It's the meaning of life itself.

We break our own rules all the time as parents not because it's easier for us but because we don't have a choice - they're our children and we're meant to provide for and protect them no matter what. It changes the ground rules for any type of life training, just ask any care provider whose been told how wonderful she is with children while she scratches her head and quietly thinks about how her own child is so difficult at times. How her child does not seem to listen to her or how none of the proven methods she knows are working with them. I find this to be even more distressing because we providers, unlike most new parents, actually have experience with so many of the struggles we face as parents.

As providers, we have been there, done that, time and again. I have tried the various methods for sleep and toilet training and tantrums etc. Through trial and error I have found and can attest to the ones that work and the ones that make the situation worse. But like I said before no one method works for every child every time. This is where my fears got the better of me and where I got the feeling that even with all that I know, I really know nothing. The truth is, none of us can know until we are forced to try it with our own children. Then we find what works for us and our family and we can finally say we have a working knowledge of not only these methods but of our children themselves.

All this just to say that there are some things that I do know.
I know how to change a diaper in 30 seconds.
I know how to clothe a baby in 2 minutes with little tears and struggle.
I know how to put any carseat into a vehicle and how to get any size child into that car seat safely.
And, addressing our latest battle, I absolutely know how to put a child to sleep.

The lines just blurred when it came to my own children. Because... instinct. Instinct told me to go to them, to hold them, to nurse them, despite the fact that I am very obviously inhibiting their natural ability to sleep. As soon as I started bringing them in my bed again and nursing them on demand all night long, their sleep became disruptive and not at all restful. I need to use my other instincts, the ones that come with years of experience caring for other people's children. I need to go back to basics and forget about all the mushy aspects of being mom. And so I did.

Last night, I threw back to my old daycare days and did exactly what I've done with the hundreds of children I have helped fall asleep. I sat by their beds, rubbed their bellies or arms and shushed them while reminding them I am here and I know this is hard but it was time for sleep and when we wake up we can play.

Guess what? It took an hour (as it would to break a month long habit of falling asleep in my bed nursing) but they fell asleep. And when they woke up an hour later we did it again. This time it only took 15 minutes. The next time they woke up it was 4am and it was only to let out a few yelps in protest. I sleepily held the monitor close and told myself that if they had cried I would go in but they didn't. It was like they were just trying to see what would happen. After a few yells each they went back to sleep and woke up ready to eat at 630. I nursed them and laid them back down, awake but drowsy, and they slept until 830 when we all got up. For the first time in a month I got almost 6 hours of straight sleep without them in our bed.

Yes, I know the benefits of comfort nursing. I know it's ok to co-sleep. I loved it. I know they may be too young to sleep train by certain parenting styles. But I also know that what we were doing was not working for me and my family. I will never abandon my children to figure out how to sleep on their own, but as I said from the beginning I can help them learn and guide them through the process of falling asleep without inhibiting their natural ability to do so. It's only been one night and I know it will change as we have more teeth come in and growth spurts occur but for now, we're counting this as a victory.

See, I do know some things.

Xo,
Maigen

I knew everything about parenting before becoming a parent! Or not.

I started babysitting when I was 11, got my first nannying gig at 16 then worked in my first daycare at 19. It was then that I pretty much knew I'd always care for kids in some capacity for rest of my life.  Thanks to this experience, Le Moyne College for the Psych degree and my thirst for knowledge into adulthood (that sounds so lame, really I just read ECE and parenting articles or blogs I find on facebook and instagram) I have cultivated a vast and varied knowledge of child development and technique. You can never know it all but by the time I was pregnant I already knew what parenting choices to make and those to avoid and I was going to STICK TO IT!

I thought I knew what it was to be a good parent and that at the end of the day it was only as hard as you made it out to be.  I was lucky to witness and learn from every single parenting choice in the book. I saw the causes of these choices - you'd be surprised how much economic situation, lifestyle preferences, education and personal experiences effect the way people raise their young. I also got to observe the impact these choices had on the children themselves. I already knew so much that I actually thought I wouldn't have to do the hard part of trying out what might work, I'd just dive in with the "best" way as I had determined based on all this information. Ha! Hahahahaha is all I can say now.

In reality, this thinking just set me up for my own demise. I knew being a parent was hard but because I thought I'd seen/heard/done it all over the course of caring for hundreds of children I thought there was nothing it could throw at me I couldn't handle in stride. I had no freaking clue. The idea that I could control things, that I had any say at all in how my children ate, slept, behaved, etc. is laughable now. In child care you can control things to a certain extent. You say jump and most kids say how high. Parents used to tell me all the time that their children were great, for me, but I would be shocked if I saw them at home. I watched incredibly wonderful, polite and kind children dissolve into whiny, pushy, mean kids when mom walked in and thought,"That will never be me! I know better!" If I only had a spoon big enough with which to eat those words.

The truth I now know for sure is that no one way works with every child forever, no matter how hard you try. And what worked for a hundred other parents might not work for you. And that's ok, it's a part of the learning curve of actual parenting. I wish I had armed myself with THAT in-depth knowledge beforehand but I didn't, so I, just like every other parent that ever lived, am doing the dirty work myself and learning from my own mistakes and experiences. All the while laughing at the sheer naivete of my younger, child-less-child-care-provider self. Here's a few examples of this that I encounter on the daily now that I have 6 month old twins!

I knew that the tricks to teaching a baby to sleep were a having a good routine, staying consistent and that sleep begets sleep!

This is actually true, what's not is how easy I thought it would be for me. I have helped a lot of children to sleep at night, soothed them through nightmares and night terrors, eased the transitions from 3 naps to two to one to none and advised many parents on how to help children go down at night. I've heard and shared many success stories thanks to my tips. Oh my god if I could go back in time and prepare myself and also smack myself for ever thinking "SMH these parents are just making it harder on themselves!" when someone came to me with a sleep problem. I had NO CLUE how hard it actually was, especially with two, especially when you would sell your freaking soul to the devil just to get three straight hours of quality sleep.

Maybe I'm just lucky enough (or have enough bad karma stored up) to have two terrible sleepers but I cannot for the life of me get my children to go back to sleeping through the night or on a consistent nap schedule no matter what I try. It's gotten to the point that I'm looking in to hiring a sleep consultant (as if ever we could afford one). This was my first real eye opener that led to me writing this post. It's comical actually. Despite my vast experience with and past success with getting children to sleep I can't actually manage to do it with my own. It has become the bane of my existence and led me to question all that I know to be true in this world.

I knew I would never want my baby to take a pacifier!

I always knew we'd have them and use them if needed. I see no problem with kids using them to a point, although seeing a five year old with one kills me, especially if they talk around it.  They're great soothers and babies are born with a killer sucking reflex which is why pacifiers were invented in the first place. I prepared myself years ago with a plan for using them only when needed and weaning them off them before it became a problem. If they gave them up early I would celebrate! I never thought in a million years I would end up practically begging my children to take them just to get some effing sleep in my life. Now that I have two sleep fighting six month olds who basically scream at the sight of their once beloved bobos I am ready to lose my mind and wish so much that they would just take the damn things.

Up until about a month ago, when they got their first colds, we could pop one in and off to dreamland they would go. They even learned how to find them on their own thanks to the nifty invention of Wubbanubs! Then out of nowhere they went on a binky strike and we have been fighting and losing the battle of sleep deprivation ever since. Now I am their pacifier and they simply will not settle without the boob. I don't mind it during the day, it's at night that I wish they could just pick up their wubs (which they love while they're awake and playing of course) and drift back off to sleep rather than demanding to comfort nurse every hour on the hour.

I knew it wouldn't be hard for me to leave my children for a night at a sitter or at daycare because I knew they (and I) would be fine and I would be dying to get away! 

Considering the fact that I haven't gone back to work despite being seriously poor since last July we all know this one is shot to hell. It's not that I couldn't get a job, I've been offered several over the last 9 months, two of which were sight unseen based on my resume alone. But the thought of someone else caring for my children strikes a fear in my heart so strong I literally burst in to tears at the very idea of it. My past in child care has led to a strong distrust of strangers and all I have to say to working moms is a nanny cam is your best friend. You just never really know people. My girls have been away from me for exactly two evenings and both times were with my own mother or godmother and not until after they were four months old.

I remember thinking that I couldn't wait until we could go on our first date night, that I would be taking everyone up on their offer to watch them as soon as I was all healed up and got the go ahead to have a drink. So not the case. We have yet to go on an actual date, just the two of us, because I can't for the life of me leave them behind without a very good reason (like a friend's birthday or a special adults-only Christmas dinner). I don't think they will ever be in daycare unless we become truly desperate. And honestly, if it got to that point, I would probably work nights and watch them all day while CJ works before they go to a sitter. It's scary.

I knew my husband and I would always see eye to eye on child rearing decisions because we were proactive and figured it all out before!

This one caught me most off guard. We had discussed so many things prior to the arrival of our little sleepless bundles of joy and we were almost always on the same page. We agreed that we were lucky I had so much experience, most things would come naturally to me and although in the beginning he deferred to me often he was a fast learner and loved participating. Now as we encounter our first real parenting struggles we find ourselves butting heads over the stupidest things. He's convinced they're hungry when I know they just want to suck or be held. He doesn't think they're tired when I think nothing else makes sense and try to lay them down. He thinks when a baby cries something is always wrong, I think sometimes babies just need to cry to release frustration, much like their mother. He likes to rock them or hold them until they're passed out I would rather put them in the crib drowsy but awake.  Lately, he thinks they're waking up all night because they're not eating enough during the day while I'm pretty sure it's teething and a growth spurt. At the end of the day we always make up and talk about the issue and we are still each others' rock but man it's trying at times. I absolutely could not do this without him and yet I am so surprised at the things we argue about and how adamant each of us is that we're correct.

I knew co-sleeping was great, it just wasn't for me!

I discussed this at length in my first Great Debate post. I totally understand co-sleeping for security and closeness but never in a million years saw myself actually doing it. Fast forward six months and they've spent more nights in our bed than their own. The shift happened gradually but went full steam once I started nursing. It is so true that nursing moms get more sleep as we have the ability to side-lay nurse which allows both mom and baby to fall back to sleep in the same bed rather than everyone getting up and aroused with bottle making and feeding then putting them back in their cribs and trying to fall asleep for a few hours before the next feeding. I just keep them in bed with us and wait for them to stir, roll over and "boob 'em" as we call it. Sure it's probably the cause of our sleep issues but it's also the solution so, uh, there you have it? Really, it's just another one of those mind-fuck cyclical dramas of parenting. How messed up is it that co-sleeping is not only the cause but also the cure of our sleep problems? Excuse my language but I am le tired.

I knew I would never lose my cool, they're just babies for god's sake!

This. I naturally have a hot temper and a short fuse but I have always been able to keep myself in check when it came to kids. I used to get super pissed when a parent would scream at, spank or threaten their child in my presence. I knew well enough to walk away, take a break and come back calm, cool and collected and ready to tackle the problem at hand. If that wasn't possible you put hte child in a safe place and take a break wherever you could. This was super easy when I worked in child care as I just tagged in my assistant and went outside for a breather. By the time I came back she had diffused the situation and I was able to approach it again with a fresh set of eyes and clear mind.  I figured when I had my own I could just walk away and return ready to face the problem. No go. This is impossible when you have your own children.

Not only do SAHMs (especially with multiples) rarely get an actual break let alone a minute alone, if you do happen to you feel incredibly guilty for feeling the way you do so it's not really a break at all. Sometimes I get so frustrated with the crying I just want to give up and go outside for a minute but then I look at them and actually feel like a bad person for feeling that way. Plus, what if something happened in that second I was gone? Everything I know goes out the window when I look at them and hear their cries, luckily the anger ususally melts away as well when I remind myself they're just babies, but still, I've gotten to that point more often than I would like to admit. I have learned to bite the bullet, yell or cry right along with them then swallow my frustration and press on. Who knows what I will do when I have real-live tantrum throwing nay-saying toddlers on my hands!

And finally, hand in hand with the last one, I knew what it was to really love a child like my own!

I think this must come as a shock for all us child-less child care providers. Most of us genuinely care for the children we watch and some of those children we may feel like we actually love like our own, depending on the depth of our relationship with them. The kids I nannied for or my niece for example, I have been through so much with them and I really truly love them. But my heart had no clue. I had no idea what it meant to really love your own child until I met mine and that same heart evolved right there in my chest never to be the same again. Sure I knew it would be different, stronger maybe, but love is love right?

Nope. I still love the kids I cared for but I never before understood this fierce mama bear love that would make me want to lay my own life on the line like I do for these two little girls. This is the kind of love that makes you forget all logic and prior knowledge, that leads you to make the craziest choices for no good reason, hell, this is the love that allows women to lift cars to save their children's lives. No matter how frustrated or sleep-deprived I get I would do absolutely anything in the world for these tiny people and they are the only people in the whole 8 billion on earth that I can say that for. It's an incredible feeling and one you absolutely cannot know until you have children you can call your own.

So, needless to say I've learned more in the last six months than I did in 20 years of child care. I'm happier and better for it too but damn if I wish I didn't have to learn it all the hard way!

Xo,
Maigen

So You're Having Twins - Here's (Some of) What You Need To Know

In case you got excited, I will not be thrilling you with my knowledge of successfully raising twins today (please, if you do know how to do this, get in touch with me.) Instead I want to talk about types of twin pregnancies. 

My twins are Monochorionic Diamniotic aka Identical. It is generally considered to be of medium risk. As grateful as I was to not be considered "high" risk, I quickly became aware of the potential problems and protocol for a pregnancy of my kind. I hated it at first and to this day wonder what would have happened if I had only... (read more on that here)  but I do know that I was lucky to have been in the care of people who knew what was best for this type of pregnancy, as I myself certainly did not. And I'm glad I live in a place where people advocated for the safety of my babies rather than providing me with a false sense of security via uneducated guesses as so often happens with twins.

When we came home after finding out about the twins the only thing I (thought) I knew about twins in general was that there were two types: Identical and Fraternal. One type was in the same sac (identical) and the other were in separate sacs. Our original ultrasound tech said there were two sacs but didn't elaborate much more. I was ecstatic that there could possibly be a boy and a girl. Upon leaving Dr. Margono's that day I was shocked to learn that it wasn't as simple as that.

There are a few things to consider when figuring out what type of multiple pregnancy you have.

Zygosity refers to how many eggs were fertilized and implanted prior to any splitting that might occur.

Chorionicity refers to the number of placentas that attach - either one or two (or more). Amniocity refers to how many amniotic sacs there are.

The combination of these things determines your type of pregnancy although they may not all be evident at any given time. Placentas can fuse, dividing membranes between amniotic sacs can appear invisible and eggs can split before implantation. Our bodies are weird, why would multiple pregnancy be any different?

Here's a Breakdown of the Basic Types of Twin Pregnancy:

Dichorionic-Diamniotic Fraternal Twins (DiDi or DCDA)

The most common type of twins, they are no more related than ordinary siblings. They are created when the mother hyperovulates, or drops two eggs that are each fertilized by their own separate sperm. This is a trait carried and passed on only by the mother's father, so even if twins run in your husbands side that has no bearing on whether or not you will have twins, but your daughter might be predisposed to hyperovulation. 

They always have separate placentas (the chorionic sac) and always have separate sacs (the amnion). In rare cases the placentas may fuse shortly after implantation giving the appearance of one but an ultrasound can determine true chorionicity based on the size of the dividing membrane (thick and very clearly there) or it can be determined at birth.

Usually the Dr. can tell by the membrane thickness if it the babies share a chorionic sac or not. If it is not obvious with an ultrasound it should be upon delivery (there is an obvious "horn" or seam where the placentas fused) or you may have a DNA test performed. These twins can be conceived not only on different days but can even have different fathers or be different races entirely. It all depends on when the woman ovulates and the eggs are fertilized.

DiDi Fraternal twins are the ONLY twins that can be a healthy boy and girl (although frat girl/girl are 2nd most common followed by frat boy/boy) and they are never identical.

Dichorionic-Diamniotic Identical Twins

So there's this widely accepted misconception that di-di = fraternal. It does not. In fact, 30% of Di-Di pregnancies are actually identical twins. I know, I just blew your mind!  Turns out, if the eggs splits super duper early (during days 1-3 after fertilization) then you end up with DiDi Indenticals.

Since they will be the same sex usually a blood or DNA test is required to know for sure whether they are identical or fraternal. The children are identical twins although the pregnancy will likely not be cared for in the way that most identicals are as it is not as high risk since each baby has its own placenta. 

So many people have DiDi Identicals and don't even know it. I have my own speculation that this is the real case of the so-called fraternal twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Monochorionic Diamniotic (MonoDi/MoDi or MCDA)

MoDi twins occur when the fertilized egg splits early, about 4-6 days after fertilization into two separate embryos that then implant on the uterus with a shared placenta.  They will have the same basic DNA and look very much alike although they rarely are "identical". 

Identical does NOT mean carbon copy. Your babies may look very different depending on weight discordance, placental sharing and positioning in the womb. The most common difference I have found is that one has a rounder, larger head and one has a more oblong, thinner head. I think this has something to do with the fact that Baby B is often stuck up under the ribs!

MoDi twins share a placenta (chorionic sac) but they are each in their own inner amniotic sac divided by a thin membrane. This is one of the most confusing type of twins to explain to others as most people only ever hear of sharing an amniotic sac. People think that determines whether the babies are identical or not when it really comes down to the chorionicity.  The doctor will look for the membrane separating the babies as well as the "horn" found when a placenta fuses to determine if they might be fraternal or identical.

MoDi pregnancies are usually treated as moderate risk as they may suffer from Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS), Twin Anemia Polycythemia Sequence (TAPS), Selective Intra-Uterine Growth Restriction (SIUGR) and preterm placental degradation among other things. They should be monitored at least bi-weekly until week 30 and then weekly and should not be allowed to progress past 36 weeks (+/- 6 days) without daily monitoring due to the risks. Things can go very wrong very quickly and not only lead to a traumatic birthing experience but fetal demise as well.

As far as science knows identical twins DO NOT run in families - so it doesn't matter how many twins you or your husband have in your family. It is completely up to chance whether your egg will split.Although many modi dads will joke that their super sperm did it. Who knows? Thanks to this, identical twins are often called, affectionately of course, freaks of nature.

Monochorionic Monoamniotic (MonoMono/MoMo or MCMA)

MoMo twins occur when the egg splits later, usually 6-8 days after fertilization. These twins are separate but share everything and are always identical (again, mostly in DNA not just looks). They occur in less than 5% of twins pregnancies and are very high risk. Often Mom is on bedrest from as early as 20 weeks and usually will deliver by 34 weeks at the latest. This is because of the risk of the babies being able to touch each other, as well as proximity to each others' umbilical cord. This pregnancy is heavily monitored and may be induced around the 32nd week. Although it is very risky and requires special care that famous image of the twins born holding hands shows the beauty of a MoMo pregnancy.

Boy-Girl Identical Twins

This is a phenomenon that I simply have to address due to the fact that there is SO much confusion out there. There cannot, EVER, be a pair of HEALTHY boy girl identical twins (unless of course one of the pair has undergone gender reassignment surgery). 

There can be twins with a chromosomal abnormality in which one of the boy twins from a split egg develops as a girl when the body drops a chromosome. This phenomenon known as Turner's Syndrome is EXTREMELY rare, although plenty of twin parents will make sure you know it can occur.

It gets even more complicated when you throw in semi-identical, mirror, conjoined twins, there might even be a few that I don't know about, but then it's likely you won't either!


So, do twins really run in your family? What common misconceptions have you heard about twins?

Xo,
Maigen